I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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