I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
