I puked a lego.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
