I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
