i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
