Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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