my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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