Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
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Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
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I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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