she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Sex in the backyard? Check.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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