He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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