She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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