I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
