He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
