I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
