final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
