On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
So apparently I’m into choking now
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