i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
