I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
