I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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