I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
