dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
