I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
