i permit you to call me
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Randomize
