i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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