I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Randomize
