we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
