Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
