So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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