I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
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