It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
