How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
