i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
