there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
