i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just had sex on a roof
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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