I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
