My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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