Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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