they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
