The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
