Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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