Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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