bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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