He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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