I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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