i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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