just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
