you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
