My cat gives me a boner
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Omg I joined a choir last night...
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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