Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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