Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
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We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
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Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.