i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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