Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
