I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
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did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
where are you?
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
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You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming