Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
