Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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