let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
