apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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