dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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