you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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