There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
