Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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