we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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