he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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