maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
