what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
