the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Of course I have a pirate flag
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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