I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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